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Thursday, August 03, 2006

” The Leaning Fence of London”

For several months at sometime during the first half of the ‘90s, it became quite common for young guys going about their own business in and around Central London to be accosted by men leaping from white vans, which would usually have screeched to a halt at a ridiculous angle in a totally unfeasible roadside spot. These ‘white van men’ of yesteryear were not officers of the Flying Squad - they were in fact flogging gear and for reasons which soon became obvious, they had preferred a mercantile method that was more Starsky&Hutch than market stall. The gear in question was ostensibly a consignment of Acoustic Research speakers worth £1,500 a pair, but ‘available to You, sir ( it being of course your very lucky , pre-National Lottery day ) for a mere 150 notes.’

Read on ...

Posted by Dej on 03 Aug around 2pm

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

Vox quinquagenaria

I’m, in the ‘corner’ drug-store over the week-end looking to re-up on the generic multivitamins that remain - to KL’s dismay - a part of my daily regime.  Well, I find the relevant aisle, awash with As, Bs of all denominations, Cs for days ... but of the all-in-ones there’s nary a sign.  Observing my furrowed brief, one of the employees hurries forward to offer assistance and, when I announce my mission, responds thus.

"Are you fifty, Sir?  You don’t look it, but I’m supposed to ask."  I announce that, as of the previous week I have indeed been 50, and ask him what this has to do with my vitamins.  At which point, he proffers this positively geriatric-looking container with a label done in conspicuous white - for the extra calcium - with letters at least 2 font sizes larger than usual!!! You’ll be amused to hear that this was too much for me and that I insisted I’d be fine with the common-or-garden variety.

The indignities of seniority ...!

Posted by OT on 13 Oct around 12pm

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Friday, September 09, 2005

London Transport/ Tube - Weird Sightings

Jubilee line (northbound/Waterloo): three cute, cappucino girls between the ages of four and eight, ALL carrying a naked, white Barbie and being admonished by their very young, stressed-out brown sugar of a mother…”Destiny, get away from the door!” I kid you not!

Picadilly Circus (ticket area/underground): three oriental girls squatting in RPP* having a general chat about the state of the universe, as guys might do propping up the bar in a pub! [*Rice paddy position: Harvard track/training-speak, I believe]

Berwick St Market: pasty white, tattooed, female trader peeling and eating a mango with a knife, in the dangerous style of a male fruit-seller in Bakau market. She looked like she could use the vitamins too.


Posted by Dej on 09 Sep around 7pm

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Soho - Theatre of Life

Last week some time, I was proceeding in a northerly direction, on my way back to the office after the brief lunch-break that JD allows me, when I noticed a small crowd gathered at the dodgy end of Berwick Street.

On closer inspection, I spotted a bare-breasted, nipple-ringed (or is it rung?!) woman – of Eurasian/Amerindian complexion and hair – swaggering down the street (happily in my southerly direction!) with a faux-fur jacket slung recklessly over her shoulder. She could hardly be described as voluptuous, but was definitely scoring high on the sensuality-scale, as she teetered precariously on the appealing side of the may-need-a-shower-soon line!

It then came to my attention that she was posing for a shoot (of sorts) and as the photographer urgently fired away*, she stopped, threw her head back and was ‘fed’ a whole bunch of grapes by one of the fruit-sellers.

As you know, we at AOB, are so d*mn busy that I was not at liberty to hang about and fully to appreciate the artistry on display. I hurried back to my desk, without a second glance – or indeed a hint of regret!

[*disappointed not to force the double-entendre “exposure” in here somewhere!]

Posted by Dej on 06 Sep around 7pm

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Sardines in a Tin

Do you remember the last time you actually ran across sardines in a tin()?  Having wolfed down ‘lunch’ (grilled lamb-chops, rice, sauce, brussels sprouts!) at something absurd like 4 pm, five hours later I was only  lookin’ for a mild calorie infusion and decided on a salad of romaine lettuce, radish, carrots and - you guessed it! - sardines. Unlike the rusty, ‘Ahmet’-purchased specimens that we used to wrestle with back home, the key worked like a charm, so I had the lid off in no time flat ... and was then able to appreciate (for the first time, actually) the power of the simile.  I mean, dem suckas was wedged in there with geometrical precision!  Even with the olive oil dressing as a lubricant, it required serious effort to pry these guys loose ...

Posted by OT on 06 Sep around 4pm

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